I'm Sorry

Photo by Hayley Murray on Unsplash

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I had to break your heart so mine could begin to heal

I’m sorry that the glass jar I used to contain your healing was not double paned and

burst like the colors on the backs of my eyes when I would

screw them shut as I grinned and bared the weight of your pain that

heaved my shoulders to the earth as I strained and shook to keep it from

driving me into the earth

I’m sorry that even as I wrapped myself around the jar to try to protect you

the shards still sliced us to ribbons and we now stand before each other

Rivulets of rogue sluicing down our skin

I’m sorry for abandoning the lighthouse to dive into the churning ocean to

save you only to see you at peace and realize that I was the one drowning

I am sorry that as my tongue wrung the emotion from my pits that they

dripped onto you like acid, singeing wounds you had that were invisible to me

I am sorry that I had to condemn my Women’s Hospital of Healing for Men because

After desperately trying to revive this lifeless relationship

I realized I needed to honor the life in me

So as I throw my white coat to the dirt-stained linoleum and

shove my way through the double doors of this decrepit building

please know, I am sorry that I had to break your heart to choose me

And this choice did not come lightly

It was seeking the fresh air of a meadow over a wet cloth held to my mouth

It was splaying out beneath the canopy of the forest over shaking in a cave

It was cracking open my chest to show my true core to those who would admire in awe over

chainmail and a hammered metal chest plate of safety

I am sorry that I am not okay, I am sorry that I still love you

I am sorry I will be okay, that I will heal and rise

I am sorry that you are enough and that your enough was not enough for me.